The latest Dead Or Alive game is nothing like its title suggests, but anyway you look at it, you’ll be dead at not coming alive to the extreme methods in which Team Ninja tries to seduce innocent young male gamers.
For the gaming virgins out there, here’s a hand to help you get up to speed on the series. Dead Or Alive is a 3D fighting game series, but the only fighting you’ll encounter here will be urges.
The Xtreme sub-series started out as a volleyball game, where all the female characters were put on an island playing minigames. In their swimming costumes. Designed by Japanese developers. For a society that embraces gravure idols.
In fact, that one phrase sums up the conceit of the game, that male gamers want to see their favourite female fighters parade in their underwear, or even next to nothing, on the beach or by the pool. In some universe, this is how some men picture UFC, but with a whole lot more grunting. From the audience.
Dead Or Alive, Are You Coming With Me?
In this second sequel, nine voluptuous lasses have been selected to populate the game, and they were all hand-picked by Japanese gamers, based on paid character theme downloads by fans on the Japanese PlayStation Store.
In what might seem as a surprise, Marie Rose was the top rated selection.
A-ha. that name means nothing to you. Sure, she gallavants in a strapless maid’s outfit in other games, and wears some pretty revealing outfits, but the biggest surprise of her appeal is that her A cup breasts are the smallest of all the women in Dead Or Alive.
Interestingly, her BFF, Honoka, who has the largest bust in the franchise, comes in second. Alas, it doesn’t seem that publisher Koei Tecmo will add additional ladies with DLC.
And no, I do not know the vital statistics of the women in Dead or Alive like the back of my hand, but their measurements are proudly displayed in the game.
So are all the fancy outfits swimming costumes available at the store. Do you want Hitomi in a sexy two piece, or catch Ayane flopping around the sand in a revealing string attached to strategically placed pieces of cloth? You can earn credits via the minigames to do just that.
That is, if you can focus on the game. From volleyball, rock climbing to Ass Attacks, all the fun require the girls dressed in less. The camera has also been designed to give you the best vantage point in each game. What’s the best angle to see a bikini clad girl rock climb? Why, under her of course.
Oh, I’m sorry, did you prefer to be on top? I reckon so would many other guys playing this game.
When a girl wins, she does what she does naturally in literally every fighting game ever made – she jumps. Up. And down. And up. And down. But this time, her breasts are in plain view and the Soft Engine 2.0 does its best in showcasing the natural bounciness, occasional squeezing and constant body contortions of the lovely ladies.
And if you’re wondering what kind of minigame Ass Attack is… think of two women standing on a float on the water, and the goal is to knock the other gal over, by banging her in the ass. With your ass. You know, bump your ass to hit her ass, to make her lose her balance so that she will fall over? You get the idea, don’t you?
While this beach resort and its inhabitants are visually stunning, the realism does not extend to interactions within the game. Even when running across the sand, the sand is rarely kicked up and will not stick to their bodies alluringly. While it’s easy to get the girls wet…. by shoving them in water, their hair never gets soaked. And no, the game does not provide any suntan lotion for the ladies in the hot sun, so you have to bring your own lotion, and rub them somewhere else.
Now, this is not the type of game where you can unlock nudity, but for the PlayStation 4 version, there are tan lines to be seen, as well as swimsuit malfunctions that show of a little more skin, slightly more bounce and a titillating level of shyness displayed by the females.
While the game has an English menu option, it was also developed in Japanese so the voice actresses are all Japanese. Picture me a scenario where you’re watching a Japanese video with a hot, sexy Japanese lady wearing barely nothing and when something unexpected happens, she cries out in excitement or expresses surprise or innocence with a sweet language that you don’t understand?
Yeah, you don’t know what I’m talking about but for those who do, that sensation is liberally spread out across the game.
The mini games tend to showcase plenty of skin, running, jumping and screaming by the girls and sadly, they do not seem all that exciting. Then again, the games are clearly intended to make you stare, and if a score can be given for providing undivided attention to what’s on screen, this game would be the top rated game ever made.
Don’t Just Stare
Depending on how big your TV is, and how many girls you like to stare at at anyone time, it might be worthwhile to head to the casino to play a few rounds of poker. The cards are designed with the ladies in various poses, and in various swimsuits, and just playing poker alone can be a therapeutic experience.
Unless losing (or anything else) gets a rise out of you, a turn at the casino banging on the tables can fill up your coffers pretty quickly.
And once you are done for the day’s activities, you get to follow your girl back to her bedroom. Where she will crawl in bed, stretch out on the comforter and even give you that look.
Of ultimate friendzone, because as I have said earlier, this is not that type of game. Here, players can open their gifts, receive gifts, and give them to other characters, before turning in for the night.
Do the ladies shower before they tuck themselves in at night? Do they give their bodies a good scrub from all the scum staring they go through in the day? Can you watch as the water flows down each curve, bump and mound?
You probably can, in your dreams. Which you probably will.