To boldly go where no theory has gone before… In a galaxy far, far away…

(This article is dark and full of spoilers. Proceed only if you have seen Star Wars : The Force Awakens)

So you saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Did you love it? Did it grab you in all the ways you wanted it to? Did it blow your mind? Did all your nerd endings quiver in ecstasy? Did you come away loving all the new characters the way you have with Luke, Leia and Han?

Well prepare to be double blown. Prepare to have Star Wars flipped on its head and the sphincter of the universe presented to you in all its pure, unbleached and hairy unmitigated glory.

For here at Geek Culture, we may have fallen inappropriately upon the real truth of Star Wars. It is grimy, greasy and just a little too salty for your own good.

We recommend you sit down. Twice. Just in case. A chair within a chair. Chair-ception. And socks? Buy new ones. Because they’re gonna be blown. Off. Like Alderaan.

So here we go… And remember, Star Wars will never be the same for you after you’ve read this.

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REY.

Oh beautiful, talented and amazing Rey. Clearly the standout character in TFA. She’s such a empathetic character. Living a hard life of suffering and toil, salvaging from a graveyard of dead starships, eking out a meagre existence in a daily grind hauling scavenged parts for trade.

Wolfing down hungrily, scant portions of food while eyes look longingly up at the stars. A tragic figure. She waits forever for someone to return for her but we never know if she waits in vain.

She’s gifted with an intricate mechanics knowledge, and seems to have an innate starting skill set above what is normally available. Be it mechanics, piloting, combat or even Force powers. All without training or guidance. A wunderkind. A savant. Easily the most Force adept character ever before encountering any formal guidance or introduction to The Force.

She’s so engaging and beguiling but yet by the end of the film we know just about as much about her as we do at the start of the film

Why does she have nobody? Why won’t anyone claim her? Why has nobody come forward to care or love this poor lonely girl?

We may have cracked the code. Or gone completely insane. You decide.

Okay. Are you ready?

For the sake of the integrity of your computer monitors and smartphones, we recommend all food be swallowed and drinks drank. Drunk? Drinked? Before this point.

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Alright. We just gonna lay the truth bomb right about now, the funk soul brother.. Cue the mic. drop..

REY IS THE SECRET INCEST BABY OF LUKE AND LEIA! (*klunk*)

Alright? You still reading? Didn’t get a heart attack and drop face down dead into a bowl of cornflakes? Your bowels explode in shock? Did you make water in the good chair?

Mouth agape stares.

So here’s what we know..

  1. Maz Kanata says to Rey that the lightsaber she was keeping belonged to Luke and his father before him, and then it chose Rey. Would the lightsaber suddenly choose somebody outside the lineage?
  2. When meeting Leia for the first time, Rey is instantly embraced. Why? If she was just another nobody, it has been established that Leia exhibits a reasonable sense of caution with everybody?
  3. Why is she abandoned on Jakku? A lovely baby girl with a plethora of talents left without anybody carrying for her. May seem normal. But then what with all her inherent force talents? If it’s a case where force powers are such a rarity that it goes down the path of myth then she must then come from different stock. This also somewhat adheres to the Midichlorian concept put forward by George’s prequels.
  4. Rey demonstrates more force ability than any pre-proteges before.
  5. Han and Leia had called it quits when hipster Ben Solo discovered My Chemical Romance and decided to make the universe pay. Han goes Greedo hunting and is out of the picture. Leia is single, running the resistance and has a window of time without being visible to Han.
  6. It is established that both Luke and Leia have a connection to the force.
  7. Luke likes his sister. A lot. A very very lot in A New Hope. Remember that kiss? Kinda hot right?

… Yes we are judging you. Creep.

It’s a theory. We aren’t saying it’s cool. And it’s a movie. Just like we cheer the expendables when they kill everybody. Real life murder still ain’t cool.

So paradigm shift. Think about this as you run Episode VII through your head.

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What if Rey had been the illegitimate child of Luke and Leia? What would it explain?

  1. Her power with the Force – As the child of two Force parents her connection and control of the Force would exceed everyone. Vader, Luke, Leia etc.. It would certainly explain the inherent ability rather than just being she had it while ingesting rehydrated boiled algae and pube muffins on Jakku.
  2. Her abandonment – As a child of scandal, Rey would be ditched on a planet and left without contact from anyone. She would be left bereft of contact from any prior family. Much like the way she was in the film, not an object of anyone’s search.
  3. Her other skills – Rey exhibits a talent for mechanics and piloting very much like Luke. She is also magnanimous and ready to risk self for others. Much like Leia.
  4. Looks – Daisy Ridley is kind of a visual blend of Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley. One played Amidala, one played Amidala’s decoy. Is her look meant to hint at her familial links to the Skywalkers? You wouldn’t bet against it.
  5. Luke’s reaction to her – Luke’s behaviour in TFA is one of the greatest clues that not all is copacetic. When Rey finally meets him and hands over the lightsaber, his look is not one of welcome. He is cross, if not completely horrified. And there’s the question of why everyday (we assume) he spends his days at the edge of a cliff, contemplating throwing himself off, because he’s been a really dirty boy. (Chin up Luke. Not all is lost. See: The Lannisters)
  6. Her memories – On touching Luke’s lightsaber at Maz’s, Rey remembers herself as a child. Seeing Luke touch R2, before the arrival of Kylo and gang. And then her abandonment on Jakku by someone with a modulated voice.
  7. Her camaraderie with Han – She gets along with Han because she has the same traits that endears him to Leia.
  8. Her superiority in power to Kylo – if Kylo is the direct grandson of Vader then only her more intrinsic genetic connection makes her superior to him with Force powers. We are leaning towards the pure bred Labrador theory on this one where Luke and Leia produced a pure bred specimen, instead of Rey exhibiting more of The Hills Have Eyes sorts of characteristics.

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So with that, we submit the theory. We’ve presented some signs that show why we went there. We applaud Disney for exploring incest as a new plot mechanic for selling toys. And now we leave it to you geeks to argue the merits or demerits or thoughts on what YOU think about it.

Oh yeah. This obviously was a satirical post. But hey, we got you thinking, hmmm? Game of Thrones peeps, think of Rey as the Tommen of the Lannisters.

Nice kid. Bit too sweet. Et cetera.

Now over to you.


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mao

mao

Mao is a tired remnant of the nineties slacker scene. Too intelligent for the grind, too lazy for real work and too romantic to give in to mediocrity, he pines after an old flame across the sea, while sharing his opinion on the counterweight continent with anyone who will listen. A straight man, he is ultimately doomed.